the wanderer

So, I went into Barnes and Nobles today to wait for Nate to finish getting a haircut. I had already finished my shopping, and I wanted to get something quick to eat, so headed to the cafe. I ordered and got my food, and went to look for a table.

Now, you know how people leave books randomly everywhere in bookstores? Cause they're books, and that's just what happens.

Well, there was an empty table with a couple books sitting on it. Nothing else, just a couple books. So I moved the books over to the bar, where somebody else had abandoned a pile of books, and sat down to eat my sandwich.

Next thing I know, a middle-aged woman woman comes over and asks me where I moved the books that were on the table. The rest of the conversation goes like this:

Me: I'm sorry, I didn't realize someone was sitting here.

Her: Yes, I put the books there because I wanted to sit there.

Me: Oh, I didn't realize they were a placeholder. People leaves books on these tables when they're done in the cafe.

Her: But I wanted to sit here, that's why I left the books here.

Me: I can move if you'd like, I didn't realize that this table was reserved.

Her: Oh no, it's fine. How about -- wait, you don't mind if I just sit here with you, right? I'll just sit here, too.

As she says this, she precedes to shove her things (including the entire pile of books that I had placed "her" books on top of) on the table in front of me and set up shop. So I stood up, apologized again -- while she stared me down with a 'what now, bitch?' glare -- and moved to the seat at the bar where the pile of books had previously been.  

And I cried while I ate my sandwich.

Because I was mad at this woman for being completely unreasonable and a complete bitch. And mad that I couldn't stand up for myself. And mad that she had ruined my sandwich. And mad that I was now crying in public.

I hate that my automatic reaction to anything upsetting (regardless of why it is upsetting) is to cry. And that once I start I can't stop.

But mostly, I hate that she put me in the position of being completely powerless. I couldn't stop her from sitting with me, without bodily forcing her to get up. I couldn't raise my voice back at her without causing a scene (which I am totally unwilling to do.) I couldn't do anything except either a) sit there with her or b) get up and walk away. And the fact that I was continually apologizing to her, and have her completely ignore my apologies and go out of her way to make me feel like I was wrong for sitting in a chair in a public place.

People are so stupid.

I find myself continually in positions like these. Positions of feeling completely powerless at work and outside of work.  I was in a position the other day where someone who is in a position superior to mine told me what I was wearing was inappropriate for the interviews that were coming in and her superior was mad about it.

Only, I didn't know interviews were coming in that day.

And I had worn the exact same clothing items multiple times.

So, on her way out the door, she just let me know it was unacceptable. And then laughed, and told me to have a good weekend.

(this was after I spent twenty minutes cleaning out some shelving for her to use)

I can really only take so much passivity, so much aggression, and so much lack of communication. I have no problem with being told I'm wrong and fixing something. No problem whatsoever.

But I'm tired of being stepped on. And only being noticed when I'm doing something "unacceptable."

This needs to stop.