waiting in the dark

most of the time, I think all my problem spring from being entirely too self-centered.

that is...I don't know what I want to do with myself.

I like photography, but I'm not naturally awesome at it. and I don't care enough to learn more, because I don't want to take pictures of other people, I want people to take pictures of me.

even though I hate pictures of myself.

I like writing, but coming up with a good story -- one that flows, that twists when you aren't expecting it, one that other people want to read, one that has characters and adventure and great dialogue -- is hard. it takes time, practice, planning, editing and I'm just not sure that I have all that in me.

 I like cooking, but I don't know that I'd want to be a chef as a career. I left retail because being on your feet all day, with very little recognition for the work that you do? that doesn't sound like fun.

 I want to sing for a living, but choir and a cappella isn't exactly a high-paying vocation. you have to be able to take rejection again and again. not sure I'm strong enough for that.

 I guess maybe that's what this is all about. I hate rejection. but doesn't everybody? doesn't everyone fear going out into the world and having people reject them?

time to put on my big-girl pants.

"jumping up and down the floor, 

my head is animal." 

(of monsters and men)